Soldier’s lament


[Takes helmet off, drops shield and falls down on ground]

Oh man-oh-man…where to start…warning – this is scattered.


I’m trying to work things out in life (Phil 2:12) and I just keep coming back to this overwhelming feeling of regret and sense of having failed on so many fronts (Rom 7:15).

First and foremost, GOD…I’ve definitely failed You and yet at the same time I know that none of what I’ve done/thought surprises You in the least (Heb 4:12-14). And, it is not okay for me to keep sinning knowing that You have/will forgive me (1John 1:9).

My family…I absolutely could have done better by you (Col 3:23)…I’ve just been a lazy jerk. I couldn’t have asked for a better mate (Prov 31) or children (Prov 22:6) and I know that you are under-appreciated and taken advantage of.

My friends…let you guys down too. Despite knowing that my genuine desire is to support and encourage you (1Thes 5:11) I guess in my ‘heart of hearts’ I’ve been operating with conditions. Yes, I expected something in return…and that was silly and stupid.

To the Church…knock it off. I’m part of this problem with what I’m saying here but for crying out loud…go re-read your Bible…any number of translations are in fact fine – can we please get back to the basics…not ‘basics’ as in watering things down to the point that we’re knocking at the door of universalism. God has said for us to love Him and to love others (Mark 12:30,31). One of the biggest expressions that are supposed to confirm who we are in Him is our love for fellow Christians (John 13:35). Does anyone sincerely believe that we (The Church) are delivering on this more than missing it?!

Yes, I do confess that I do believe that this truth regarding loving God & others is best expressed by sharing the Gospel (2Cor 5:21). And no, being nice is not a substitute for a call to repentance and trust in what Christ accomplished on the cross. AND yes…there is exclusivity in the facts behind Christianity…One Way, One Truth, One…His name is Jesus. At least the Greek rendering/transliteration…ugh (SMH).

Yep…Doctrine does matter. Where though is the point where we say to others…other confessing Christians, “Nope – can’t agree with you on that and you are therefore a heretic.”…? We seem to get there really quick. Are we really saying that the only true believers are the “THIS-mil, THIS-trib, NCT/dispensationalism, reformed/Arminian, full/partial preterist/olivetan, classical/presuppositional…

I’m tired. Tired of feeling like I don’t belong… Wasn’t accepted in school, don’t necessarily fit in with my neighbors…I don’t even feel accepted in the broader Church. Is this a negative or actually a positive thing? Received a “burning bush” today from a friend that was a good reminder I needed (John 15:18).

The ability to experience feelings comes from God…but ‘feelings’ can’t and shouldn’t be trusted beyond a certain point.

I’m also discovering more and more that I don’t actually have as much to offer as I thought I did in the apologetics community. I don’t speak Greek, Hebrew or Aramaic. Again, being honest don’t really believe that I’m being called to learn them…for now I will have to trust that the translations I’ve been depending upon are accurate.

They say that the safest spot on the golf course is right by the flag. The most dangerous place for a Christian apparently is their comfort zone…I’m doomed. My track record is waaaaaaaay too comfortable. So, what do I do? Where do I go? And, Whom do I turn to?

All rhetorical.

I will continue to pray (1Thes 5:17)…seek answers, communion through Scripture. My Hope (rock solid certainty yet realized) is in Heaven (Heb 6:18-20). My confidence is in GOD…His presence (Psalm 16:8), His Word (2Tim 3:16), His Spirit (John 16:7)…and His people (Acts 2:42-47). The Church…I love you…not just some of you but ALL of you.

<dusts butt off…pity-party over>

[Armor back on, back into battle]